The Loud Assassin

You are a Hitman, it has been your dream ever since you were a little kid to own a jet ski. You're only one job away from having enough moola to afford a high-end jet ski. It's time to choose your next target. Will it be [[A: Kanye West, Dictator of Kyrgyztan->Kanye West]] [[B: Baby, a 1 year old baby PSYCHOPATH who has over a dozen comfirmed murders and also likes EATING OTHER BABIES->Baby]] or do you [[think it over some more->think more]]?

You've decided to Kill Kanye West, after all he is a ruthless dictator. He is responsible for all the horrible horrible things in Kyrgyztan, such as the ban on listening to Drake, the renaming of the capital from Bishkek to //Www.kanyewest.com/merch/shirt2//, and the list goes on... It's time Kanye got his just desserts. You bought your ticket and are currently taking the trip to Kyrgyztan on a jetplane. This is going to be a long one... You call over a steward. What do you decide to order? [[Salted peanuts of course! what else can you trust airlines for...->peanuts]] [[A full chicken dinner! airline food isn't that bad...->chicken]] [[Dom P! Time to celebrate the acquiring of the jetski pre-emptively!->Dom P]]

You kill the psychopath baby living next door... You get caught immediately and arrested. Thankfully they have jet skis in prison! Someone should have told you! You would have gotten arrested way sooner! You go jet skiing with all the inmates! What fun playing with others! You get stabbed once or twice but your life sentence is pretty fun otherwise! THE END [[Try Again?->Begin]]

Well Kanye West, is a ruthless dictator responsible for the suffering of millions of citizens in Kyrgyztan. But do you really want to endure the flight there? Baby literally lives next door, also it's a baby so it's easy... Decisions decisions... It's time to choose your next target. Will it be [[A: Kanye West, Dictator of Kyrgyztan->Kanye West]] [[B: Baby, a 1 year old baby PSYCHOPATH who has over a dozen comfirmed murders and also likes EATING OTHER BABIES->Baby]] or do you [[think it over again->think EVEN more]]?

You eat peanuts... Great... You're not dead... You arrive in Kyrgyztan and immediately head to Kanye's abode. //"Uhh Kanye are you there?"// Kanye comes out by himself, no bodyguards or anything, huh. //"Hello it is I Kanye West, destroyer of worlds!"// //"I'm here to kill you!"// You pull out your musket. You decide to: [[Kill him->Kill Kanye]] [[Spare him->Spare Kanye]]

Your chicken dinner arrives, you take a bite out of a leg. Wow Jerry Seinfeld sure wasn't kidding. This is rough, but you're not one to give up that easily. You muster up all the strength in your body, in your very soul to force your jaw to act once more. Yet another bite. You're starting to break, your head is pounding, you imagine everything that was taken from you, you are starting to lose it. You tear through the skin and chew another mouthful. Your start to sweat, your feel it soaking your eyebrow, your sides of your face are starting to get wet. It doesn't bother you. You grit your teeth and swallow the chicken. You hold your teeth together, sweat starts sliding down your chin, your arms feel sticky in your sweatshirt. Your heart pounds, your vision blurs, your jaw grows tighter and tighter. You grit your teeth as though you are receiving electric shocks throughout your entire body. You feel the earth move. Wait... the plane, it's shaking. You grit your teeth still, there's nothing more important to you, than getting through this. ''NOTHING ELSE EXISTS. THIS MOMENT, AND ALL THAT IT IS WORTH, IS ALL THERE IS AND EVER WAS.'' The plane tips forward, and more and more, until it is heading straight down. Passengers are shouting, the stewards start falling to the front of the plane. You hold your posture still, unmovable, unshakeable. The plane crashes, and you arrive. Not at Kyrgyztan, but at your true destination. The outskirts of Burkina Faso, the homeland of your arch nemesis; Kanye East. You [[are still hungry, you look for a steward to ask for some salted peanuts.->are hungry]] [[grit your teeth and look for Mr. East.->fight Mr. East]]

You fall in love. How haven't you realized! Dom Pérignon is your one true love! You order bottle after bottle of Dom Pérignon and for some reason the Steward doesn't do anything. All of a sudden your debit card gets declined. You're out of funds... Wow that was really fast, I guess jet ski's aren't THAT expensive... [[Go back to Kanye->Kanye West]] [[Try Again from the Start?->Begin]]

Okay so Kanye West, ruthless dictator. Baby, ruthless psychopath. Uhh maybe flip a coin? I'm torn... It's time to choose your next target. Will it be [[A: Kanye West, Dictator of Kyrgyztan->Kanye West]] [[B: Baby, a 1 year old baby PSYCHOPATH who has over a dozen comfirmed murders and also likes EATING OTHER BABIES->Baby]] or do you [[think it over EVEN MORE->think even more AGAIN]]?

Is killing people even worth it? Why did you want a jet ski in the first place? Where did this all go wrong.... Maybe you should call your ex... I heard they're in town for the weekend... It's time to choose your next target. Will it be [[A: Kanye West, Dictator of Kyrgyztan->Kanye West]] [[B: Baby, a 1 year old baby PSYCHOPATH who has over a dozen comfirmed murders and also likes EATING OTHER BABIES->Baby]] or do you [[call your ex->call your ex]] or do you [[think some more AGAIN (please don't)->THINK EVEN MORE MORE MORE!!!]]?

Your ex actually picks up, okay okay it's time to get serious. This is what you wanted. This is what's right. //"Uhh hello? Why are you calling me?"// //"Well I thought... umm... like... do you still love me?"// //"Geez, we've gone through this hundreds of times... that's not the problem..."// //"It's your obsession with jet skis... you love them more than you love me... what does a jet ski have that I don't?"// You can think of like at least 15 things off the top of your head that a jet ski has that your ex doesn't. But you keep that to yourself. Your ex speaks again. //"Tell me, now... honestly... if you had to pick the jet ski or me?"// Pick now. [["The jet ski! But I still totally love you!"->jet ski not you]] [["You! You're the most important thing to me!"->you not jet ski]]

You start thinking about everything, your life, the world, suffering, freedom. What does it all mean? What does it take to be happy? Why do we fight with one another when all we want is to be happy? Why do we hurt ourselves and each other when all we want is to be happy? Don't you miss the simpler times... back when murder was FUN? You head home and start reminiscing about the good times. Remember your first kill? So invigorating... that's why you wanted to do this in the first place! It was your passion! But maybe not, maybe you only did this because your PARENTS wanted you too. Maybe it's time to remember your true calling! You put on your helmet and knee pads. You dust off your old scooter. And ride off into the sunset. Goodbye Mom and Dad. Goodbye nameless ex. Goodbye life of an assassin. Hello, Nose Pivots. [[Try Again?->Begin]]

//"The jet ski! But I still totally love you!"// After a brief moment of silence your ex speaks up. //"I'm blocking your number, goodbye."// [[Try Again?->Begin]]

//"You! You're the most important thing to me!"// After a moment of silence your ex speaks up. //"Oh, that was unexpected. I see."// You make up, and date for a couple years. Then you realize that you can't live without your jet ski. At least you do the dumping this time. [[Try Again?->Begin]]

You kill Kanye and earn your bounty! You head home and buy a jet ski! Your life is complete! However, the people of Kyrgyztan end up under the iron-fisted rule of Drake... Drake is far more cruel, he renamed every village, town and city to //Drakeland//. Also everyone has to listen to drake. [[Try Again?->Begin]]

//"Actually I want to hear your new album so I guess I won't..."// //"Okay cool why did you want to kill me anyways?"// //"I mean there's all the ruthless dictator stuff but mostly it's because I wanted a new jet ski."// //"You should have just said so! I'd do anything for a fan!"// He sends you home with a TON of Kanye West merch and a brand new jet ski with Kanye's face on it! You didn't even have to cut into your jet ski fund other than to repaint it! CONGRATULATIONS! [[Try Again?->Begin]]

You dig through the rubble and find a steward. You ask for some salted peanuts but they start getting really annoyed for some reason... you're far to hungry and preoccupied to care. Whatever. Wait what were you supposed to do here again? [[Go back one->chicken]] [[Try Again->Begin]]

With jaw narrow-shut you waddle your way through the desolate village until you arrive at //his// manor. He stands towering above, at 18 feet tall. His long powerful hair swinging wildly with the wind. As the winds lower, he puts his arms together in front of himself in a fist. //"I see you have found me at long last, assasssin"// You: [[Snarkily respond->open mouth]] [[Keep quiet->mouth clenched]]

//"Didn't take long because I could smell you from far away because you are a smelly loser smelly man!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"// It was too late, you realize what you've done... Your jaw... it's unclenched... your teeth... apart... All of your power fades in an instant. Mr. East puts his fingers in an okay sign and leans forward. He turns his hand and faces it towards you just a few inches from your forhead. And. He releases his flick directly into your skull, the power is immense. You can't hold on any longer... the light grows brighter and brighter... //"Believe in the you that believes in yourself..."// You become dust and wither away in the winds of Burkina Faso. [[Try that last part again->fight Mr. East]] [[Try Again from the start->Begin]]

You keep your mouth shut. In fact, beyond all scientific belief, you shut it further. You grit your teeth so tightly that you begin to warp all of spacetime. You begin to tear apart reality with the sheer force from your jaw muscles. The walls are crumbling, this is the end, of everything. //Wow...// You think to yourself. //Maybe... this is all I really wanted... to jet ski... with everyone...// //"What have you done."// Mr. East whispers. You smile, knowing full well what you've done. You've won. Congratulations. Goodbye universe.