A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that 30% of Millennial and Gen X parents are afraid their baby may be secretly evil and want to kill them. 4% of parents have agreed with the statement "I am full of malice and rage and I believe that it has passed down to my child." Harvard psychologists have claimed that the best solution is to therapeutically work through the insecurity that one has in their ability to create evil. However the engineering department at Cornell have come up with a more practical solution. The device as pictured at the start of the article is a crib netted with fiberglass.
Within would be strapped a baby, taped inwards so that it is impossible to open from within even if the child were to possess "superhuman strength". The netting is tightly corded, similar to a straightjacket but with a focus on causing pain if the wearer were to struggle.
Furthermore the wiring taped directly to the baby's skull is meant to illicit "mostly painless shocks" directly to the temples of the enclosed baby when it detects malicious or violent brain patterns. The shocks will immediately stimulate the frontal lobe causing a "temporary virtual lobotomy". This automated Pavlovian conditioning may seem cruel to the average person, but for parents afflicted with these fears it is a life saver.
The Peace family were the first who signed off on the research testing for the anti-babyfear device. We brought them on for some questions! Q1: So you two are one example of many parents who are afraid their baby may be evil. Why do you think this is such an issue nowadays? Mr. Peace: I mean I don't know it's just you don't like know what they're thinking and you're supposed to do all this shit for them just because they're small and stupid. I probably got on fine when I was 5 months old. Mrs. Peace: Yea. Interviewer: Do you think that your baby daughter could hurt you? Even though she is so much smaller than you? Mr. Peace: Have you seen Chucky? Interviewer: Sorry? Mr. Peace: Have you seen the movie Chucky? Like the little guy who jumps on your face. Interviewer: I've seen Chucky. Mrs. Peace: There you go. Q2: How did Cornell approach you for this program? Mrs. Peace: We would post our grievances on Facebook. Mr. Peace: Yea. Q3: Has the anti-babyfear device worked for you two? Mrs. Peace: Oh definitely. Mr. Peace: Yea I'd say so. Mrs. Peace: I feel like I can finally rest, even if I am reminded about my baby in the baby room when she starts crying I can rest easy knowing she can't get to me. Interviewer: You don't comfort your daughter when she cries? Mr. Peace: It's that one thing. Mrs. Peace: Yeah it's that one thing where you just ignore your baby. It's for development or something. Interviewer: That sounds terrible. Mr. Peace: Are you a scientist? Interviewer: I'm sorry? Mr. Peace: Scientists probably came up with the ignore your baby thing, are you a scientist? Interviewer: Yes I am. Mr. Peace: Oh nevermind then. From this point onwards Mr. Peace and Mrs. Peace refused to answer more questions, simply repeatedly stating "I was going to say something but nevermind I don't really care now" before leaving. It seems that the Peace family really got some "Peace" of mind from this device. Besides babies probably won't remember this stuff. Are they really that different from fish? Scientists would probably say no. What do you think? Cruel or fair?
An Afterword:
Post-publishing the interviewer asked that all instances of their name were to be removed.